to feel alive again
by balthazars
Summary: - she still thinks of him sometimes, when the sky turns a deep shade of indigo and the stars shine like diamonds / for fabricated fantasies - christmas fic exchange


**to feel alive again****  
**

_as many times as i blink, i'll think of you tonight_

- vanilla twilight, owl city

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She still thinks of him sometimes, when the sky turns a deep shade of indigo and the stars shine like diamonds.

-0-

She doesn't remember the first time they met. How could she, when she was barely five minutes old? Her mother had told her about it numerous times though. She'd told her about how tiny she looked in her arms, how Teddy had waddled over to take a look at what everyone was fawning over, how he'd watched her like she was the world. She supposed that was where it started. The first time he saw her, the day she became his whole world.

The first memory she has of him is of when she's five, he seven. He's chasing her around her grandmother's back yard, tackling her to the ground and tickling her until her sides ache from laughing. Their parents sit inside with her younger sister and cousins, smiling to themselves as they watch the two children running wild outside. She trips and scratches her knee and he bends down to kiss it better before retrieving a band aid for here, and that's when she decides that he's her best friend.

Almost four years later it's time for him to leave for Hogwarts, and she can still remember the two of them hiding out in their own little tree house, refusing to come down, him saying that he wouldn't go to Hogwarts without her. He did, of course, go to Hogwarts without her, and she remembers her excitement every time an owl flew through the window, how she would rush over to untie the letter, hoping that it would be from him. He would tell her about secret passageways and magic spells and before she knew it she was standing beside him in front of the train, ready to start her first year.

The next few years were spent creeping through the castle after dark, lying by the great lake as they studied for exams, and not giving a damn about anything else, because none of it mattered to either of them. She thought it would always be like that, just the two of them, not having a care in the world. And then he turned fifteen and started dating Madeline and she wanted to scream at her for no reason at all.

But she was just his friend, silly little Victoire who he'd known his whole life, so she smiled as he blabbered on about her, and resisted putting itching powder in her robes. Well, most of the time she resisted. It wasn't her fault that Madeline was so infuriating.

She supposes that was when everything started changing. Teddy had a girlfriend and she was angry, furious actually, and what reason did she have to be?

She would tell herself that Teddy was her best friend, that she just wanted him to be with somebody who was right for him, and Madeline certainly wasn't. She smiles to herself now, because in a way that _was_ what she wanted. For him to be with somebody right for him, somebody who knew him and loved him. Somebody who had spent hours sitting in a tree house with him, who he'd chased around a garden for hours. She just hadn't realized who she'd meant by that.

They didn't last long, and no one had expected them to, if they were being honest. Teddy was kind and selfless, and Madeline was just the opposite. She was the kind of girl who spread rumours almost as much as Lily Potter spread her legs.

It was two years later when he finally asked her out. They were walking through the streets of Hogsmeade, talking about unimportant things and laughing at jokes that nobody else understood when they passed Madam Puddifoot's and he whisked her inside, a grin prominent on his face. She found herself rolling her eyes at him as he led her to a table with a rose on top and pulled out her chair for her. It didn't surprise her that he would choose to do this the cheesiest way possible.

The lights were turned down low and the heady smell of perfume filled her head, making it feel heavy. Slow, soft music played throughout the whole cafe, and everybody turned to stare at them as he bent down on one knee and took her hand in his. Her heart raced and she glanced around nervously, before turning back to him with as much confidence as she could muster.

"Victoire Weasley, would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?"

She let out a sigh of relief, praying he didn't notice. Shaking off her earlier nervousness she grinned at him, the flickering lights making her eyes shimmer and dance. "A bit dramatic, don't you think? I almost thought you were proposing for a minute there." Her heart thudded again as she wondered what she would have done if he had. A small voice in the back of her head laughed and said that she'd have said no, because she's only sixteen and way too young for that, but as she met his eyes she doubted that she would have. She doubted that there was anything she wouldn't do for him.

When he does propose to her, she wishes that he had done it that time in Madam Puddifoot's instead.

There's no romantic dinner, no candles, no slow music. Nothing. Instead, they're slouched on the sofa at her parents' house, listening to her mother as she babbles on about how much she misses Victoire and wishes she'd come visit more, and how lovely it is that Lysander took Dom to Paris because she was going through a tough time, and how she can't wait until one of her children get married and have their own children.

She puts a lot of emphasis on the last part.

And when Victoire's only acknowledgement to her mother's words is a slight nod of her head, she presses on, chattering away about how beautiful the scenery is during the fall and how it would be the perfect background for a wedding. And how she knows somebody down at the bakery who makes absolutely fantastic wedding cakes and would happily give her a discount on one. Victoire does her best to ignore her mother, who's only trying to be helpful, because Teddy and Victoire have been dating for years now and isn't it about time that they settled down and had kids?

Teddy glances up from his spot on the sofa, and after realizing what Fleur is talking about, shifts into a better position and pulls a box from his pocket. "Vic?" he waits until he has her full attention before he holds it out to her. "Wanna get married?"

Her heart sinks a little, and she doesn't know why, because this is Teddy Lupin, her best friend and the person she can trust with anything, and sure he isn't the romantic, kindhearted boy she fell in love with but he's still him, so why isn't her heart racing at a thousand miles a minute, and why does she want to run away from all of this and keep running until she ends up somewhere entirely new, where nobody knows her name?

But she's Victoire Weasley and she's never been brave, not like all of her Gryffindor cousins, so she swallows back her protests and reaches out to take the small box from him, sliding the ring onto her finger and muttering a faint 'okay'.

She thinks that was when they fell apart.

She's not really sure what happened after that. All she knows is that her mother was crying and her father was grinning and reminding his wife of their own marriage and owls were being sent out to her siblings and cousins who came rushing over to congratulate her and Teddy. In fact, the whole night passes by in a blur of congratulations and champagne and merriment, but she doesn't notice it much, because all she can think is 'why are they all so excited about this wedding?'

Later it occurs to her that what she should have been asking was 'why aren't I?'

The months seem to fly by and before she knows it, she's being rushed to a church and helped into a flowing white gown made of expensive french silks, her mother and sister gushing about how beautiful she looks in the dress, to which she forces her face into a smile. Dominique starts on her hair, brushing and twisting it until it's combed into an elegant bun which rests on her head, and Fleur colours her lips and eyes with a light coat of make up. When they're finished, they step back grinning, both pleased with their work.

"Tu est belle, ma chérie." Her mother smiles, tears welling up behind her eyes.

Victoire doesn't have the heart to tell them she doesn't want to go through with the wedding.

She thanks them both and mutters vaguely about going for a walk through the gardens before the wedding, nodding at her mother's warnings about making sure not to let Teddy see her until the ceremony. She exits the church as quickly as she can, and makes her way to the pond by the edge of the gardens, where she sinks down onto a stone bench.

Her mind wanders to the muggle fairy tales that Molly would often go on about when they were children, and she finds herself wishing that prince charming would come and rescue her, like he always rescued the princesses in the stories. But this is real life, not a fairy tale, and there's no prince to come save the day.

She remains by the pond until Dominique comes to retrieve her, looking stunning in a pale blue dress that brings out her eyes. Lysander seems to agree, by the way he grips her waits and kisses her when they reach the church entrance. His lips move to her ear and Victoire faintly hears him whisper that she's the most gorgeous girl he's ever seen.

Her heart pains for a second as she wishes Teddy would say something like that to her, but then the ceremony is beginning and her father's taking her arm and leading her down the aisle, where Teddy stands besides the bridesmaids. With every step her heart sinks a little more until she's right before Teddy, and her father is kissing her cheek and gently pushing her forward.

Teddy's face breaks out into a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes and all she can think is that this isn't love.

But to the rest of the world it is, so she mirrors his smile and repeats her vows, sliding a ring on his finger as he slides one on hers. And just like that, it's over. She's no longer Victoire Weasley, instead she's Victoire Lupin, and it's almost funny because she's spent her whole life dreaming of this but now that it's here all she wants is to get away and pretend it never happened.

She doesn't spend much time thinking about it though because soon champagne is being poured, and hey, it's supposed to be the happiest day of her life, and she's expected to get a little drunk and have a little too much fun, so she gratefully accepts a glass and then another and soon enough she's lost count.

Her heels become excruciatingly difficult to walk in and everything is spinning but she doesn't know what's going on and she isn't sure why she was upset earlier, so she laughs and smiles and dances, and for the first time in years she's happy. Genuinely, truly, happy.

The next day she wakes with a pounding heading and bile in her burning throat, and when she gingerly stands to make her way to the bathroom she realizes that she's unclothed. It's then that she notices Teddy spread across the bed, still asleep and probably naked. But she doesn't remember consummating the marriage, doesn't remember much of the previous night actually, so she'll just pretend it didn't happen because she's not one to face her problems head on, no, she's more the one to ignore them until she eventually drowns in them all.

She doesn't stop to think that avoiding problems is the reason she's in this mess, but she's Victoire and if she had realized she still would have pretended differently, because it's just another problem for her to avoid, like all the ones before it.

Days go by and turn into weeks and she smiles politely at Teddy, occasionally engaging in conversation when they're low on food or there's something interesting in the news, and she starts to think that she can live like this, taking one day at a time and pretending that they're fine.

And months drag by and she begins to notice how his eyes light up when he sees Lily, how his smile is genuine and how he runs a hand through his hair nervously, and how he looks at Lily the same way he used to look at her. And this isn't a way to live, going through the motions but not really being there.

It's all too much for her, because she was the spoilt child with the caring family and everything she could ever want, but maybe that's the problem because with everything you could ever want, what was there to do but want more?

She remembers the wedding night, not the events that happened, not what she ate or what music they played, but how the champagne burned down her throat, setting fire to her insides and bringing life back to her when she thought it lost. So she waits until he goes to bed one night, and lets her hair down, pulls on a tight dress and apparates to the nearest club.

It's a muggle club but who cares, alcohol is alcohol and dancing is dancing, and here nobody will recognize her. Nobody will ask where Teddy is or why she isn't with him, and it's amazing. Amazing to be just Victoire this one time, to not be a part of Teddy and Victoire for a couple hours.

She slides into a seat and orders a drink, then two, then three, and she sits and drinks as the time passes by until she feels a tap on her shoulder and turns around to see a young man standing there with a smile on his face and a hand extended toward her.

He leads her to the dance floor and yells above the music to her, introducing himself as Matthew. Matthew. She mouths the name a couple times, liking how it sounds. Matthew the muggle. She laughs lightly to herself, because Matthew and muggle both begin with m and she's not sure why it's funny but it is.

She dances with Matthew for a couple hours and eventually he drives her home, walking her up to the driveway as her legs are a bit unsteady, and leaning down to kiss her cheek before saying goodbye and returning to his car. The front door swings open before her and she stumbles inside to the sofa where she flops down and falls asleep.

She wakes up with a kink in her neck and a headache, not completely sure how she ended up there. The name Matthew comes to mind and she smiles to herself, remembering him and wondering if he got her home somehow. She figures he did and decides that she likes Matthew and would have to see him again. Just to thank him.

The day goes by rather quickly and soon enough she's pulling on a pair of tight jeans and a sparkly top, opting for flats instead of heels, and apparating back to the same club as she had before, hoping that Matthew would show up again. She sinks into a seat at the bar and resists from buying a drink, because she was raised with manners and she wasn't going to thank the poor man intoxicated and incoherent.

It's not long until somebody sits beside her and she smiles as she looks up at the slightly familiar face. "Matthew, right?" She smiles at him, deciding that he's definitely cute.

He smiles back and nods at her. "Yes. And I'm sorry but I don't believe I got your name last night?" His voice is warm, much warmer than Teddy's, and he's much more polite than Teddy too.

"Driving me home without even knowing my name? I could have been anyone!" She exclaims in mock worry, meeting his eyes. "Victoire." She then says, grasping the hand that he was holding out to her. To her surprise he laughs at her words, and she finds herself liking him more and more. Teddy never found her funny, he only ever pretended he did.

Matthew leads her to the dance floor as he had the previous night, and the more time she spends dancing with him the more she begins thinking that she likes him a lot more than she likes Teddy. And that Teddy seems to like Lily a lot more than he likes her. And when Matthew drives her home again that night, and asks her to have dinner with him in a few days time she accepts.

And that one dinner turns into many more, and soon she was spending more time with him than she was with Teddy, and when one day he leans in and kisses her she doesn't resist. And it's wrong, so so wrong, but her marriage isn't right so what's another wrong thing, really?

And Matthew is the only right thing in this whole mess. And maybe he won't be right forever, but he's right for now, and without even knowing it he makes her braver and kinder and better than she ever was with Teddy.

And when Teddy comes home from work one day to see a note and a pile of divorce papers sitting on the table, he isn't surprised. He hadn't even known her enough to know that she would never be so brave as to do this alone.

She was never one to face her problems head on, or do anything about them at all besides ignore them, because she wasn't a Gryffindor, and she wasn't a typical Weasley, but when she's with Matthew she almost is.

-0-

Sometimes when the sun goes down and she sits at the edge of the bed in her new house, their new house, halfway across the country from Teddy, she still thinks about him.

But then Matthew calls her and holds her in his arms, and she turns to him, smiling, and by the time he lets go, thoughts of Teddy are long gone.

Victoire Weasley was never one to face her past, or her present really, but she was one to forget about it.

* * *

**First of all, I am _so _proud of this as it is currently the longet thing I've written. Second of all, this is for the Ultimate Doctor Who Episode Competition and the Stretch Your Limits Competition over at the HPFC Forum, and for the Next Gen Armada over at the NGF Forum.**

Although I'd be touched if you like this enough to favourite it, I beg you not to do so without leaving a review.


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